mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Randomize