i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
