I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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