The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
