I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
