some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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