I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize