I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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