the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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