I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
