Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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