The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
