Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
It's like God shit irony all over that family
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i think i just lost a toe
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
