I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
