he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize