Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
