apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
