I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
