you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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