Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
