so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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