My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
