He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
