He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
