I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
