if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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