sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
