I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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