If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
