Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
