i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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