I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
