Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
