I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
