I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
