Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
