do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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