Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
