i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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