I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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