I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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