Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
