If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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