they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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