The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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