fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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