Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
