remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
