Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
