Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
