The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Randomize
