doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I currently don't understand fingers.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
