Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
