My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
