Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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