even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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