Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
