I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
