I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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