i just had sex bonerless
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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