My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
